Finding Your Place
"Use the talents that you possess, for the woods would be silent if no birds sang except the best." Anonymous
Because I raised not only 2 successful dancers, but 2 successful male athletes as well, I find that although there are many comparisons, and many distinct differences in the two. In both cases, what we want first and foremost is for our children to emerge from whatever path they choose with their self esteem intact. It's not always easy. There are so many roadblocks along the way.
As an athlete, the coach decides who is in the starting lineup and who rides the bench. It's his way or the highway. You adjust to your position in the food chain and do the job when you get the opportunity to do so. You might go to every practice and spend the whole season with little or no playing time. You are there for the success of the team.
For every day that my daughters were in dance class, my sons were on a field of some sort. The main difference in their experiences was is that there was much less personal disappointment. The focus is on the team, just as it is in group competition. They win or lose all together. There is a real sense of security in knowing that you're not in it alone. Although there are always "stars" on teams, just being a link in that chain can make a child feel successful.
My youngest son, Tony, held out for 15 years to take a substantial growth spurt. When entered his freshman year of high school, he was 4' 10" and 80 pounds. Looking back, he was either blind or crazy when he tried out for the J.V. Basketball team. Maybe the coach saw more of his heart then his height, because he made the team. Tony never missed a practice. He was the first one on the court and the last one to come off. While he was part of the team and proud to be wearing the uniform, he was also permanently glued to the bench during games unless the team was up by at least 20 points. Then and only then, he would get his three minutes of fame and the chance to contribute.
My husband and I never missed a game. We were proud of his drive, dedication, and determination. I couldn't imagine having him think we would only be interested in going to the games if he was a starting player. I've always believed in rewarding the attempt more than the outcome. Seven years, ten inches and seventy pounds later, he would win "Male Athlete of the Year" honors at Shenandoah University. The moral of the story is to believe in yourself and never give up.
In dance, when a child is in a group that same "team" security exists. The second a child becomes a soloist, that security is ripped away. It is not always at the suggestion of the teacher, but rather the parent or the child that wants a solo. It could be because a friend, or just because it looks like fun. It can be fun, but it also can be difficult. There are no guarantees. But remember, it is a choice - and with every action comes a consequence.
Timing is everything. As a soloist in competition, your child is subject to opinions that are beyond their control. Remember, they are giving 100% on stage. You have to be sure they are able to maintain a positive self image while being judged against a group of their peers. It is not for everyone, and there is no reason that it should be. In a perfect world, every child would win a platinum for their solo because they would be rewarded for their effort, not just their skill level. In a "perfect" world, (and I say this in jest) everyone's son would be the starting quarterback and everyone's daughter would be prom queen.
In life as in dance, the beauty of our imperfect real world is that everyone is unique and should be praised for the individual heights they are able to reach. They should not measure themselves against someone else's level of achievement. Their goals are very personal goals. Whether the outcome is bronze, silver, gold or platinum, it is important for the dancer to be proud of their effort. Medals and trophies should never define who you are as a person. I would much rather hear that my daughters are wonderful young women than wonderful dancers. There is no doubt that the first is far more important.
Pride doesn't always come in the form of an award or trophy. Sometimes my greatest sources of pride came from the times I watched my own children deal with harsh reality and handle it with dignity. While we cannot control the outcome of many things, we can always control the way we choose to handle it. Choose to learn from every experience, good or bad. There is no better teacher.
Another one of my favorite sayings is, "The only way we ever fail is when we fail to try." The older I get, the less afraid I am to take a stab at something new. I'm not as afraid to make mistakes because I know I can always improve on my next try. Unless you're a sword swallower, chances are your mistake won't be fatal. •