When Parents Cross the Line, Teachers Must Step In
Participating in dance competitions can be a rewarding and enriching experience for students as well as their parents. Competitions are fun, exciting and help young dancers build the kind of confidence and character they will need to become successful adults. And when parents are supportive and encouraging, the experience can be even more worthwhile.
While I was growing up, my mom was a constant presence at competitions. Whether she was sewing sequins on costumes or simply watching my rehearsals, she was always nearby with a smile on her face. When we traveled to Orlando for our yearly Florida Dance Masters convention, she was there from start to finish: helping me with my hair and makeup and consoling or celebrating with me after the competition. With her support, I was able to give it my all every time I took the stage.
But what happens when a parent becomes too involved during the competition season? There is a fine line between an involved mother and a stage mother that should never be crossed. When that line is crossed, it harms the child not only by putting an immense amount of pressure on him or her, but it may also have a negative impact on the entire dance studio by creating unnecessary drama. Preventing studio drama is just as much the responsibility of the teachers and studio owners as the responsibility of the parents.
Preparing for competition season is stressful and nerve-racking enough for young dancers. Just factor in the drama created by difficult parents, and it can become unbearable. Teachers should step in and be role models for the students, encouraging healthy competition rather than hyper-competitiveness. My mom always tried her best to avoid dance studio drama, but sometimes it was difficult because parents can be just as competitive as their children.
It is completely normal for parents to want their children to be successful, but at what price? We all know that winning is not the most important thing, so why does the desire to win become overwhelming at the onset of competition season? How can studio owners help keep parents involved, but at the same time prevent them from contributing to an unhealthy environment? Well, to find the answers to these questions, I thought I would speak to the dance mom I know best – my own mom. She told me without hesitation that teachers and studio owners have a responsibility to step in and prevent studio drama, especially during competition season.
Playing favorites is one of the main sources of drama that occurs during competition season and should be avoided by teachers as much as possible. But at the same time, parents must be willing to accept the fact that their children might not always be put in the front, receive a solo or get a platinum score. My mom admits that there were times when she struggled with this. At one competition she complained that my score was unfair and the judges were wrong instead of accepting the outcome and encouraging me to learn from the experience. In retrospect, she says she would have behaved differently to help maintain a healthy and positive atmosphere.
When this kind of drama occurs, as a teacher it is best to have individual meetings with the parents who are upset. Give them the opportunity to express their concerns and then explain to them the rationale behind your decision-making process. If you did not give their child a solo due to sloppy technique, make that clear so the parent knows that your decision was not about playing favorites. Turn a potentially negative situation into a positive one by offering to help the child improve by providing him or her with a list of exercises or working with him or her one-on-one after class.
Another significant contributor to studio drama is the ever-present catty parent. My mom can recall a few specific run-ins with catty parents at my dance studio. In one particular incident, a few parents were watching my solo rehearsal from the waiting room. One mother said aloud with a look of surprise on her face, “I can’t believe they gave this solo to Lindsay!” My mother heard the negative comment, but remained silent. She knew I was friendly with this woman’s daughter, and she did not want to create any animosity between us. Looking back, I know my mom did the right thing by ignoring her and rising above the negativity.
But sometimes trying to rise above the negativity of a catty parent may seem futile. My mom recalls a time when a situation became so unbearable that she went directly to my teachers and informed them about what was occurring. My teachers decided to call a meeting to address the situation, making it clear they would not tolerate any kind of divisive behavior in their studio. Teachers have a responsibility to keep the studio unified and to help maintain a nurturing environment where parents treat each child as their own.
My mom remembers the countless times she spent helping out other students voluntarily with their makeup and costumes when other moms were in the hallway gossiping. When parents begin to gossip, teachers and studio owners should encourage them to participate in something more productive and positive like assisting the dancers with their quick changes. “As parents, our first priority is to the kids, not kicking back with a cocktail and gossiping. And the teachers must make that clear,” my mom states emphatically.
Teachers should also encourage parents to resist the temptation to be confrontational with other parents or to speak ill of other children. Speaking negatively about other children is one of the most detrimental things a parent can do. My mom confesses, “I never said a derogatory thing about another student and never expressed it to other parents.” Not only did she not want to jeopardize my friendships with my fellow dancers, but she also wanted to set a good example for me. She wanted to teach me that speaking ill of others is an unacceptable behavior, not only in the dance studio, but also in every aspect of life. My mom believes that teachers who turn a blind eye to this kind of behavior are just as guilty as those who facilitate it.
When I was a company member at a studio in Florida, I experienced firsthand what happens when teachers turn a blind eye to divisive and catty behavior. One of the moms organized a post-recital party at her house for all the company members, but I was not invited. The artistic director knew that I had been skipped over and even saw me crying when I found out, but she said nothing and never even addressed what had happened. Eventually, I made the decision to leave that studio for one that valued artistry over drama.
Whether it is caused by catty parents or overly competitive stage moms, dance studio drama may seem inevitable especially during competition season, but it does not have to spiral out of control. Parents have a responsibility to prevent it from occurring, but so do teachers and studio owners. When parents cross the line teachers must step in because being a dance educator is more than teaching steps and creating choreography. It’s about fostering a warm, friendly, and inviting atmosphere that both students and parents can call home.