The Dance Teacher’s Daughter
When new parents bring a baby into the world, they see the promise of a fresh start, endless opportunity and a world for the taking. If that child wants to be a dancer, those opportunities arise barely after she begins to form her first words. To those unfamiliar with the dance landscape, putting their child’s physical well being in the hands of a spandex-wearing dance teacher may seem daunting. But to the instructors already ensconced in the dance world, who better to teach their child than, well, themselves? Unfortunately, even under her own mother’s watchful eyes, there are plenty of pitfalls for the dance teacher’s daughter. [ital: Dancer] talked to moms and daughters who’ve grown up in the studio together and discovered the joys—and perils—of a mother-daughter dance education.
Motivating Factors
For many dancers, the impetus to dance is more than a yearning. It’s genetic. Generations of daughters have followed in their mother’s graceful footsteps. Yet those who maintain a healthy attachment to dance do so only of their own accord. “Don’t push your kids too hard,” says Ann-Marie Carlomagno, a teacher with Charlotte Klein Dance Center in Worcester, MA, whose 14-year-old daughter Taylor Markarian studies under her. “I let Taylor lead the way. She started in dance when she was 2, but she also took skating and gymnastics. I’ve always told her she doesn’t have to do it just because I do it.”
Daughters and sons of dance teachers are often exposed to dance from a young age, especially since a typical workday for dance teachers begins after school hours. Yet what may begin as a convenient way to spend time with their kids can turn into an opportunity to groom talent. “Dance teacher’s daughters tend to be better dancers because they grow up in the studio,” says Kelly Larkin, competition director at Robin Horneff Performing Arts Center in Waldwick, NJ, and owner of Larkin Dance Center in Suffern, NY. Larkin studied under her mother, Shirley Larkin, owner of the renowned Larkin Dance Center in Maplewood, MN, and she now teaches her own daughter Lacey Larkin. “My mom was always so fair to the kids at the studio,” says Kelly. “I didn’t get any more attention than anybody else and the kids never treated me differently. That was many years ago. Now, it’s different. As a teacher, I became so aware of it that I would do anything and everything to take my daughter to a different place so we weren’t directly in the spotlight.”
No Special Treatment
Once upon a time, before studio politics reached their zenith, mothers could teach their daughters with relatively little backlash. Danie Beck, former owner of Dance Unlimited in Miami, FL, had no trouble when her mother Eileen Wall taught her. “My mother was strict but in a kind way,” she says. “She integrated me and my sister. It was never a special deal.” Yet, when Beck taught her own daughter, Kimberly Thomson, she was conscious of parental pressure, and attempted to dodge even the appearance of favoritism. “My daughter was a perfectionist. She worked hard and wanted to be recognized, but with me being very business-minded, I never put her in the front and center, even though she was short for her age. I never gave her any special awards,” she says. One year when Thomson was a teenager, her classmates got together and surprised her with an “I can’t receive an award” award.
In order to balance precarious studio politics with the delicate nature of a mother-daughter relationship, Beck, whose daughter now owns Dance Unlimited, and whose granddaughter Brielle now dances there, has a strict professional policy for her classroom. “At the studio, I never referred to my mom as Mother. It was Miss Wall. My daughter called me Miss Danie. Brielle calls me Miss Danie and my daughter Miss Kimberly,” she said. “I am adamant about manners and politeness. Your teacher is not your buddy, she’s your teacher.”
Tipping the Balance
As much as a dance teacher may try to be fair, there are almost always whispers of favoritism lurking in the studio lobby, a breeding ground for parental gossip. “When Taylor was young, she got a little bit of that because she was really small and I posed her in front,” says Carlomagno. “People would say that she gets to be in front because her mother is the dance teacher.” Sometimes, studio politics can spiral out of control to the point of vitriol. “I had terrible letters written to me,” says Larkin. “People would rip my child apart. It’s amazing what parents will do if something doesn’t go right for their child.” Things got so bad for Larkin and her daughter Lacey that she sent her to New York City for classes instead.
When parents’ grumblings grow too loud, it’s time for a mother to intervene. “I’ve told Taylor people get jealous and it’s going to happen. You have to let it go in one ear and out the other because you’ve got the talent,” says Carlomagno. She advises her daughter to stay tight-lipped and choose her friends wisely. “I’ve told her, ‘You are the dance teacher’s daughter. People are looking at you and listening to you even if you think they aren’t.’”
Photo by Richard Calmes
Crossing the Line
Dance teachers who instruct their daughters must be on constant alert to maintain a fair and balanced classroom. Still, slip-ups do happen. In fact, several dance teachers have admitted to subconsciously scrutinizing their daughters more than their classmates. “My daughter used to tell me, ‘Do you realize when you correct the girls, you take them aside and tell them the right way, and with me, you just say don’t you know how to do that?’” says Danie Beck. Many times, teachers fall into a familiar habit of venting frustration on their daughters, instead of taking up issue with the entire class. “Sometimes I would find myself lashing out at her first before the other kids,” says Larkin. “It was just easier. It’s not right, but it happens.”
Dance teachers can further damage relationships with their daughters by singling them out for busy work. “I was everything from a roadie to a sub to a teacher’s assistant,” says a former dancer Elizabeth Miller. “I would lug her old record player around. I would help her set up. I would queue tapes. It took a lot of the joy out of it and just made it a lot of work. I never socialized because I was always helping set up the next class. I don’t think I was ever really one of the students. I was always the teacher’s child.”
Diversifying Education
Another way for dance teachers to suck the joy out of their daughter’s dance experience is to monopolize their training. It’s a well-known trade secret that in order to become successful as a professional dancer, students must absorb versatile material from a diverse cross section of teachers and styles. “I was never as well trained as I could have been,” says Miller. “My mom thought she was the most qualified person to teach her daughter. But I was taking the same sort of classes and I wasn’t learning anything new.” Mothers who let go of their daughters and allow them to experience a variety of choreographers and teachers are not only ensuring quality education, but also allowing their child to grow as a person. “It’s funny because [my studio director] said, ‘You don’t think you can handle teaching Taylor anymore?’ I told her that wasn’t it. I wanted Taylor to broaden her horizons and learn more outside the Charlotte Klein Dance Center,” says Carlomagno. “I don’t want her to just have me. That would be selfish.”
Just Say No
Of course, there are times when dance teachers should not attempt to work with their daughters at all. If tensions run high outside the studio, chances are that will carry over into the classroom. Of course, when teachers start their daughters at the age of 2, it’s most likely that potential conflicts are years away. But as their daughters grow and mature, teachers should respect their wishes, even if it puts distance between themselves and their child. “You can’t control what other people do and how other people are going to behave. You can only control your reactions,” says Miller. “As a child, I didn’t have that perspective. When I became a teenager, I realized that I was not happy doing what I was doing.” Miller recognized the need for space in her particular situation. “Everybody has their own relationship with their mother. For some people, it works okay. For us, it was not a good dynamic.”
Getting It Right
There are certainly dance teachers out there on the opposite side of the spectrum, who focus a megawatt spotlight on their daughter as a shining example. “We’ve had parents walk into our studio to register their children because they are so over the exposure of the dance teacher’s daughter at other studios,” says Beck. “They were upset with the teacher who put her daughter in everything, and always in the middle. These people were so vocal because they were tired of having their children pushed aside for the owner’s daughter.”
Dance teachers who work with their daughters must manage a teetering balance of emotions from parents, students, and of course, their own child. Like a tight-rope walker juggling five balls at the same time, one false move could upset the entire show. But those who get it right may come away with a deeply rewarding gift. Not only are they passing on wisdom as a mother, but they may also be handing down a cherished passion for the profession they love. Beck’s granddaughter Brielle was a precocious young child, who would often conduct her own classes at 5 years old, even if there was no one in the room. “One time, she was coloring with a friend and she became upset,” says Beck. “When one of the girls asked why she was upset, she said, ‘Oh, I’m very stressed out. After all, I have to make sure the studio is running well because when I grow up, it’s going to be mine.’”